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darkness

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I am in a dark place right now. A place rife with fear, regret, pain, sadness. I am living in it. And it sucks.

TMI? Why do I self-disclose? Because not enough people do. We live in this weird uncertain world where everyone acts like everything is great, like life isn’t hard.

Well, today I am acutely aware that life is hard. Relationships are hard. Vulnerability is hard. Putting yourself out there again and again and again is hard. Accepting our mistakes and failures? Hard.

This morning, while I was marinating in the weight of the many mistakes I’ve made in my life, I pulled out my jar filled with “angel cards.” These are cards with words printed on them like, “education,” or “clarity,” or “joy.” There are a whole handful of them.

Sometimes when I’m in a dark and depressed state, I sit with them and ask my guardian angels what I need to learn from this situation. Then I pull a card and contemplate its meaning for a while.

Today I pulled “Power.” Curious, considering I feel none.

But in a way, it makes perfect sense for my situation.

Because responsibility—owning up to our shit—is power. When we make mistakes, as we all do and will, we can only change ourselves by accepting the truth of what we have done and apologizing when we can.

Power is not perfection, but rather accepting responsibility for our actions and doing something about it.

For those of you who are sitting in your own states of darkness right now, I am sitting here in Minneapolis, feeling the same. I am right here with you.

And we are going to make it through to the light again.

I promise.

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writing monday: who we were

I was the girl who...

I was the girl with the bad Dorothy Hamil haircut, who wore hand-me-down clothes and liked to play “explorer” along the side of the creek. I was the goofball girl who talked too much in class. I was the girl who rolled up the right leg of her pants so it didn’t get snagged in the chain, the girl who had to be outside, riding her bike, no brakes, down the 57th street hill and through the stop sign below. I was the girl whose parents smoked and swore, the skinny girl who walked up to Don’s Superette each week and spent all of her allowance on candy….

When we were small, before the opinions of friends, family, and society crept into our heads about who and what we were supposed to be, we were fully ourselves. Fully and authentically ourselves.

Who were you?

If you observe a room of kindergarteners long enough, a spectrum of personalities begins to emerge: the outgoing boy, first to raise his hand, grunting at the teacher to call on him, and the introspective boy, reading a book quietly an a blue square because it’s his favorite color.  The creative girl, tangles in her hair and mismatched clothes, intensely drawing pictures for her friends during “choice time;” and the animal lover, poking her toy stethoscope into the teddy bear’s chest. 

If you observe a room full of kindergarteners, you see a glimpse of the essence and spirit of each child.

Who were you?

Writing Exercise: Beginning with the words, “I was the girl/boy who…” tell the story of who you were as a little girl/boy.

Our stories are powerful reminders of our own essence, spirit, and strength. When we remember who we were and what we dreamed and hoped for, we are better able to ground ourselves in who we are now. Use this prompt when you feel lost or are seeking direction in your life that will resonate with your truth and soul.

 

 

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writing monday: follow what you love

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Happy Monday People! I want to meet you here, at the beginning of your week, to offer journaling ideas and inspiration to lift your spirit. My hope is to inspire reflection, power, and soul in your work and life through the art of longhand writing. 

I teach Personal Leadership at the University of Minnesota, and every semester, I get to spend time with a room full of students at the edge of their lives, along their rite of passage from dependence to independence. They are eager and they are anxious, each on an individual quest to figure out what they are going to do with their lives.

It is an exciting and profound time, full of possibilities, and I absolutely love to be a part of my students’ transformation.

However, instead of being a time during which young adults are free to explore and discover the world and what they want from life, they are instead sent into a four-year pressure-cooker to prepare themselves for what feels like their entire lives. In this light, epidemic anxiety and depression make complete sense to me–the weight of that expectation is too much for anyone to bear.

Standing in that room, I am mindful of the mythology that is perpetuated at universities and in our society in general, telling us that if we study hard, do our best, play on our strengths, and never let up, we will find that magic key that will open the door to lifetime happiness and success.

Meanwhile, the heart and soul within are devalued in the academic environment, cast aside for the illusion of certainty.

So I stand as buffer, gathering students around me to whisper the truth of life: Follow your heart. Follow what you love like your life depends on it.

Because it does.

This week, spend five minutes a day flash-writing (writing ahead of your self-consciousness, continually moving the hand across the page and your mind across your heart), beginning with the words, “I love…” 

Canvas your mind for everything you love.  For example: I love the first coffee in the morning, I love reading Flow in an epsom salt bath, I love the life Paul and I created for our family, I love Oliver and Lucy’s framed art all over our walls, I love writing, I love reading the “about the author” excerpt in books, I love walking in the woods with Dharma and Fergus…

That which we give attention to grows, whether negative or positive.  Therefore, shine the spotlight on the things in life you love, amplifying them in your mind, on and off the page.  When we dwell on the things that inspire our hearts, they grow resonance in our moments and days.

Don’t worry about what you are going to do with your life.  Rather, let your life resonate with the song of your heart. .

 

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the power of our light

give love, light, & hope

Last Friday, an eighth grade boy took his life. It was the second suicide in a month at the same school.

My son was having his 13th birthday party when a mom called and told me the news. She wanted to get to me before the information flew through social media channels to her son, who was in my basement and who was friends with the boy who died.

Within a minute of hanging up, I heard footsteps coming up the stairs.  My son walked into the room, stunned face and searching voice, “Mom–another kid committed suicide.”

He was in shock.  As were all eight boys at the party, ages 12-14, including two who went to the same school as the two boys who lost their lives within a month of each other.

In that moment, I didn’t know what to do. I was stuck to my chair, my mind whirring, processing, wanting to weep thinking of that boy’s pain, thinking of those parents who lost their son.

Knowing I needed to do something, I walked downstairs and into a room of bewildered eyes, pacing, hugging, and shock.  I turned off the TV, sat down, and asked what they needed.

“He was my friend.”

“I slept over at his house.”

“I can’t believe it.”

“He’s in my advisory!”

“I want to call my mom.”

As each kid in my basement experienced and processed this information in different ways, I stood there, trying to hold a space as they dealt with the gravity of it.

I’ve thought a lot about it since, about that boy, about how there are people–kids and adults–who are suffering among us, people we see every day and have no idea what they are experiencing inside their hearts.

We have all been there–inside moments of darkness, of depression. It is horrible and lonely. But we live in a culture where we do not wear our emotions on our sleeves, we do not post our moments of suffering.

So no one knows.

It makes me wonder–why do we hide our suffering from one another? What if we opened up and talked about times we feel depressed? Then when another person feels the intense loneliness of that emotion, they know they are not alone or abnormal.

We are powerful in our capacity to give light. We can give it every day, toward every single person we encounter.  We can do this by genuinely smiling at people, by demonstrating kindness and teaching our kids to treat all beings with kindness and respect, and by knowing and teaching the difference between standing by and standing up.

We can reach out and say, “Are you ok?” or “Can I help?” or “I love your hair.”

We can notice the people around us. We can care.

We have an immense amount of power within. And our power is simple. We can lift someone with our words.  As well, we can crush spirits with our words. Are we mindful of how we use our power?

When we give our light, love and hope to everyone we encounter, we grow our hearts and the heart of the world.

That is power.

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writing monday: creating a personal zen space

how to journal

how to journal

Happy Monday People! I want to meet you here, at the beginning of your week, to offer journaling ideas and inspiration to lift your spirit. My hope is to inspire reflection, power, and soul in your work and life through the art of longhand writing. 

 

Sometimes I feel like I live in a pinball machine of incessant demands. I can barely finish a thought let alone listen to myself and my life. This is why I use a blank page and markers–it gives me space to harness my thoughts, ideas, and heart.  After I write, I can better see, think, and act powerfully in my life.

With a journal and markers, you can create a personal zen space, wherever you are.

We cannot stop or slow life.  There will not be a space in the future to catch our breath and finally reflect on things.  The time is now. We humans need a space, a bubble, a hole in the bottom of a huge tree to think about life as it moves through us.  A space to listen to the heart of matters.  To ourselves.

This week, I encourage you to spend ten minutes each day–whenever– phone out of site, with pen, markers, or pencil and journal.  Just you and the space.  Begin each entry with the date at the top of the page and the words, Right now…  At the end of the week, look back to see how life is flowing through you and you are flowing through life. You will be rewarded with self-insight.

Enjoy the art and soul of it!

 

 

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changing my mind

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Sometimes I use my writing to get my mind right.  Coming from a champion lineage of depression and addiction, this is something I have to do on a regular basis, when my thoughts tend toward the negative and I am not being kind to myself.  When negativity arises, I neuroplasticize.  In other words, I change my mind.  To do this, I simply write at the top of my page “thank you.” And then I begin filling the page with words and images and thoughts and things that I am grateful for in my life, from coffee to Oliver and Lucy to the warmth of sunlight through the windows in a cozy coffee shop.  And it works.  From the time I begin writing until the page is stuffed with words and color, I am able to alter my own emotional and mental state.

I often tell my students that life is not easy, being human is not easy.  It wasn’t meant to be.  But it’s how we navigate our humanness–bringing ourselves back when we fall out of grace–that heals our souls and makes us powerful.

As the sun slants away from summer and the days shrink and the darkness grows, we must to tend the light and warmth within.  Next time you notice your thoughts leaning toward the negative, give yourself the gift of ten minutes, a blank page, and colorful markers, and pull out the grace within so you can see it and feel it.  Again and again.  This is the work of life.

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